Hey Allie,

Background: My partner that I’ve been seeing for about 7 months is definitely a hoarder, or has hoarding tendencies at least. They’ve been living with a relative while we’ve been seeing each other and I’ve seen how much stuff they have, and how things go in and don’t really come out. It’s books and trinkets and lots of them. It’s caused problems between my partner and the relatives they’re staying with and those problems haven’t been resolved and the growing piles of stuff hasn’t stopped either.

Current problem: I just moved into a new apartment and I really love my partner so we’ve been talking about them potentially moving in with me at some point, but not yet. However, they’ve already begun the process of bringing things into my new place. Not just toiletries or necessities for spending the night(s), BAGS on BAGS of stuff. I’m already having trouble maneuvering around the stuff in my brand new apartment and it’s causing me tons of anxiety (which I already struggle with). 

I’ve talked to my partner about this and they don’t fight with me about it, they always say that they want to respect me and my boundaries and don’t want to cause me anxiety say reassuring things when I lay my cards on the table, and I always feel better after we talk, but once we’ve talked, I’m still here surrounded by all their shit and they’re talking about all the other stuff they want to bring over.

To be clear, we haven’t agreed to live together yet. It’s my name on the lease, I’m paying for rent and utilities, this is my apartment that I got for me and my kids (50/50 custody). I love my partner, I love spending time with them, they are a really great person, but the sheer amount of all this stuff being carted into my apartment is stressing me out. What should I do? 

-Bags n Bags n Bags n Bags…

Hey Bags n Bags,

Y I K E S. Your catch is catching all the stuff, keeping it, and now storing it in your house. I assume this was not what you thought would happen if you had a conversation that set expectations and boundaries. Here’s the thing though, for both of you, is that neither of you are upholding those with your actions. You’re both saying all the right things to “communicate” but both of you are doing NOT those things with your actions. 

This is your house for you and your kids, not another nesting place for someone’s stuff. They will continue to do it as long as you let them, not because they’re a bad person who doesn’t respect you, but if they are on the spectrum of hoarding disorder, it’s because their brain has got some funky wiring and doesn’t see “stuff” (actual stuff and probably relationship stuff) the same as you. The way to get them to understand, at least in this situation, is to make your words and actions match. This is not their home, they don’t live here, they don’t pay rent or utilities, and they’re not one of your children. Stop the inflow of stuff, and take everything that was brought over back to their place. Lovingly. Explain that you appreciate their enthusiasm to feel homey at your house when they come over, but that what is happening is excessive and is not leaving any room for you or your kids to have a home that is safe and comfortable and your own. The deal can be “pack in, pack out” -- whatever partner brings over for a visit has to leave with them when they leave. Ya know, camping rules. I had a multi-year relationship where all I kept with them is a toothbrush. Your partner can and will survive without piles of stuff.

This will not fix them and their accumulation issues. They may say it does, or would if you let them move in with you, they’ve seen the light, they’ll get help now, etc… If that’s true, great, you’ll probably see some changes in behavior and mindset and that will be awesome. But let’s get real, they haven’t/won’t (not yet) and it will probably get worse. Continue to check in with yourself on how you feel about them, the relationship, about yourself in the relationship. Remember that boundaries mean nothing if they’re just words with no follow-through. So don’t make them unless you mean them, and when you make them, hold to them.

Love,
A